Discipline Techniques

Discipline Techniques
If you want to discipline your children without shouting, you have come to the right place.
Yelling and punishment never helped anyone. 
It only made a miserable child more miserable. 

When a child misbehaves, it is due to a need not met. 
The child may not express it as such, but when you punish him on top of the unmet need, the disciplining goes ineffective. 
It also affects the relationship between you and your child. 

That’s where the positive parenting style benefits children. 
In positive parenting, the child’s needs are met with empathy, therefore the correction to his behavior is made based on the belief that caused the child to misbehave. 
When you are trying to discipline positively, the emphasis is put on the root cause of the behavior and the solution is made focusing on meeting his needs rather than punishing for the behavior.
In other words, traditional disciplinary methods are like treating chronic disease. 
Conventional medicine usually treats only the symptoms without treating the disease itself. 
And the disease keeps manifesting in different areas of the body in different forms - until you find and treat the root cause. 
So, until you find the "need" that drives the difficult behavior in kids, it grows and they show it in more and more stubborn ways. 

what is positive discipline? and why is it important?
Positive discipline is a program developed by Dr. Jane Nelson based on the work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs. 

Positive discipline focuses on changing the “belief behind the behavior” rather than focusing only on the behavior. 
The core belief behind positive discipline is “there are no bad kids, but only bad behavior”.
So liberating, right?
The usual disciplining methods use threatening, shaming, bribing and punishing to correct misbehaviors. 
But as days pass on, kids are angrier and more frustrated and don’t seem to learn the lesson we are trying to impart. 

Why?
Because the traditional disciplining methods focus on bad behavior as such and label the child as a bad one. When a child gets the impression that he is a bad child repetitively, he grows with it and does not change the behavior. 
Because human beings act consciously or unconsciously based on their beliefs only. 

Children always have a need to connect and belong. 
If they don’t get it, they try to get it by misbehaving. 

Positive discipline is based on finding solutions to children’s problems with mutual respect, kindness, and encouragement. 
According to Dr. Nelson, there are five criteria for positive discipline. 

Positive discipline is firm and kind at the same time.
It helps to feel children a sense of belonging and significance.
It works for the long-term, unlike punishments that work only for the time being.
It teaches life skills and social skills that will help them to respect others and solve conflicts peacefully.
Lets children discover their capabilities and use their personal power in constructive ways.

benefits of positive discipline compared to negative discipline
Positive discipline focuses on solutions and not treat the child as a bad person, whereas negative discipline treats the child as a bad person.
Positive discipline empowers kids by teaching effective communication skills and kindness, whereas negative discipline causes disconnect and lack of effective communication between the parent and the child. 

Positive discipline focuses on meeting the needs of the child and therefore reducing the chances of misbehavior in the future. But negative discipline does not take into consideration what the child has to say. 
His emotions are neglected and therefore, the child finds more negative ways to grab the attention and to satisfy the need to belong. 
Positive discipline accepts mistakes as such - not only the child's but the parent's mistakes as well. 
But the child is still treated with kindness without assassinating his character. 
He is shown how to correct it the next time. 
But in negative disciplining, a child is shamed for his mistakes and he is not shown kindness or given directions or support to improve his behavior.
In positive disciplining, a child learns the appropriate way of releasing emotions from the parent, as the parent is responding with kindness, empathy and lack of aggressive behaviors like yelling, spanking, etc. 
But in negative disciplining, a child learns aggressive behaviors (because that's what he sees). 
And the child grows up with a lack of proper guidance on how to release his emotions and it may cause low self-esteem and mental health issues.Now that we know the difference between positive and negative discipline, let’s see what are some positive discipline techniques that we can use to discipline children.

positive discipline techniques to discipline children without punishment
Positive parenting doesn’t mean being permissive and letting kids do whatever they want. 
Positive parents are actively involved in disciplining and teaching children about the consequences of their actions. 

How to use positive discipline? Here are some strategies.

1. set limits
Setting limits is essential for kids to learn about the consequences of their behavior. 
Authoritarian parents set limits and if kids don't obey, they punish or scold them. 
In permissive parenting, parents are afraid to take action when kids go beyond the limit because they fear they will lose their kids' love. 

In positive parenting, we set limits and definitely take action if kids push the limits. 
But the only difference is, it is done with empathy. 
Kids are not made to feel bad deliberately, but they still understand that their behavior created the consequence and repeating the behavior will be met again with the same consequence. 
When they face the consequence, we do not humiliate them but offer empathy and kindness. 
You will understand this point better with an example. 
Here is one:
Consider this scenario. 

Your toddler writes on the wall with a crayon. 
You tell him, “Walls are not for drawing, you can use a paper instead". 
But if he does it again, you can remind him again and tell him that if he repeats it, you will have to take the crayon away. 
And if he does, you go to him and take away the crayon sternly. 

He will protest and cry. 
But you do not give in. 
You offer him empathy instead. 
You say, “ I know it’s hard for you to not draw on the wall. 
But I can’t let you do it. 
We can try again when you are ready to draw on the paper”.
No threats, no punishments, and no scolding. 
Even though it was taken away, he knew you were on his side and he didn’t feel humiliated. 


2. talk less, do more
Until I read Dr. Jane Nelson’s book "Positive Discipline", I didn’t realize the effect of this behavior of parents, which I am sure many of us are doing. 

We talk and talk and talk and do very less. 
We tell kids the following things.
"It's your last chance, I will not let it happen again"
"You only have ten minutes, after that, I will take the remote away", and 
“I will not give you candy ever again”, etc.
But do we really act on our words?
No!
No wonder kids don’t take us seriously. 

In positive disciplining, we set limits and act on them when the limits are crossed. 
No more chances. 
We stay stern.
It doesn’t mean we should be cruel. 
Often we let go of our warnings because we feel sorry for kids. 
Even when we stand by our words, we can show empathy and show them that we are in their team. 

Or else, kids don’t learn the consequences of their actions and keep repeating the mistakes, because we were so fearful. 

3. offer choices
Offering choices is another positive discipline technique that works well to avoid power struggles, especially with young kids. 

Examples:
"Do you want to get ready for bed now, or after 10 minutes?"
"You don’t feel like eating the vegetable that your doctor recommends. 
Would you like me to put it in your mouth for you, or would you eat it yourself?"
Make sure you offer choices that are acceptable to you. 
If you can’t live with a choice, don’t offer it. 

Offering choices make children feel like they are in control and they made the decision. It reduces resistance and power struggles. 


4. create a yes environment
People don’t like to be controlled. 
And by people I mean, kids too. 
Have you ever noticed how kids tend to do more of what they are told “not to do?”
When we say no, they show more resistance and try to exert power. 
And let’s face it, always hearing no is tiring for us too. 
Rules are good for helping us to be in our best behavior, but too many rules make you more rebellious. 

How do we usually give instructions to children? 
"No jumping on the sofa"
"Don't play outside"
"No TV after 9 pm"
"No hitting"
But if you create a more YES environment at home, you can expect more co-operative behavior children. 
It is simple and easy. 

Reframe the NO statements into YES, like this.
"Sofa is for sitting, if you enjoy jumping you can do it on the floor."
 
"It is too hot to play outside right now. 
Come inside, we shall enjoy some indoor games."
"Watching TV for so long into the night will make you a grumpy boy in the morning. 
We don’t like it, do we? We shall switch off the TV after 9 pm."
"Hitting hurts! We show anger with words, not with hands!"
Instead of just saying NO right away, explain your reasons for saying NO. 

And if children request you to play with them, instead of saying NO, you can say, "I am in the middle of cooking this meal for you, I will join you as soon as I am done."

5. instead of yelling, use a firm voice
Dr. Jane Nelson says positive discipline should be firm and kind at the same time. 

When you say your child can’t do something, you mean it. 
But if they respond angrily or if they break down in tears, you empathize with them. 
That’s what firm and kind means. 

If your child protests for taking away the spoon, you can say “I know you were having a good time banging the spoon on the table. 
But spoon is for eating, and not for banging, so I am taking it away.”
When you are being kind and firm, your message reaches your child. 
Yelling can never deliver your message because your child does not feel understood and he is listening to you standing in a place of fear. 
Can you teach anyone a positive lesson, when you are angry and when you can feel the adrenaline rush in your body? No, and that's what happens when you yell. 
Hence, yelling is ineffective.

6. work with children to bring up solutions
Inspired by all the positive parenting books I have read, what I like to do is hold a family meeting once a week, to discuss the challenges we face as a result of each other's behaviors. 

Right now, the most talked-about problem is sibling squabbles. It is a lot of work helping kids to learn to live with each other. 
In a way, it is unfair for them to have people who enter their territories uninvited and do stuff that they don’t like. 

Nobody likes it. 
Therefore, in such meetings, we discuss the sibling behaviors that irritate the kids. 
And we set boundaries so that everyone knows what is expected of them. 

This meeting is not meant to be a blame game. 
The parent can moderate the accusations with respect. 

And we also involve kids by asking questions like, "What do you think we can do when this situation comes up again?"
Then they come up with their ideas and we note it down. 
And decide to try to act on these ideas in future. 

This teaches kids critical thinking and problem-solving skills. This also helps them to view challenges with a perspective of finding solutions rather than being angry and reactive towards them, which is an important life skill. 
And also, when kids are involved in these problem-solving sessions, they realize they are not a “problem”, but they are a part of the solution. 

7. treat the cause rather than the symptoms 
One benefit of the above said family meetings is you get kids to speak their mind. 
When you really hear their part, you understand the reason behind their difficult behaviors. 

For example, my elder daughter told me, she doesn’t like to share her belongings with her sister because she doesn’t return it properly and even if she does, it is usually not in good shape. 

She would have never said that if I didn’t ask her questions. 
And I would have judged her for this behavior and even labeled her as "selfish" by the old standards. 
I mean I don’t believe in forced sharing, but I want my kids to help each other when someone needs something. 
So when this fear held her back, I knew we could work on it to help her to get better in giving.
So here, rather than judging or labeling a child, we can speak to her about why she displays this behavior. 
You can discuss with your child to find solutions that are acceptable for everyone. 
This alternate way of disciplining helps children to develop a growth mindset because they realize their shortcomings can be corrected and improved. 


8. make them feel heard and label their emotions
This is so powerful. 

Human beings have an innate need to be heard. 
Imagine when you have difficult feelings inside you and no one around you is willing to listen to you. 

And on top of that, you get being judged for being sad or angry. 
How does it feel?
That’s what we do to kids. 

We judge them as selfish, naughty, attention-seeker, etc, without listening to what they have to say. 
So mamas, let’s sit down for a moment and listen. 
And help them get through their hard feelings by telling them that “It’s ok to feel angry or it’s ok to feel sad”. 

When they feel heard, they feel connected and get a sense of belonging. 
And connection is the most important part of positive parenting.
Labeling emotions help them to be in tune with their feelings. 
This helps them to understand their feelings and manage them appropriately. 

Studies show that children who are able to label and verbally express their emotions are less prone to anxiety when they reach adulthood. 
Also, they become able to understand others' emotions and respond to them empathetically.

9. replace shaming, threatening and bribing with teaching
Positive disciplining doesn’t promote shaming, threatening, bribing or other physical punishments. 
Instead, we use each opportunity to correct kids’ behavior with teaching. 

In positive parenting, both the child and the parent are on the same side. 
It’s when we see the child’s misbehavior with anger that we feel like punishing them. 

Instead, make each mistake an opportunity to teach and guide. 
Instead of always saying what not to do, explain what to do instead. 


10. stay consistent
Being consistent with your expectations helps kids to obey the rules better. 

Before saying NO to something, think about if you really mean NO. 
If you change your mind when kids protest, they learn that your decisions can be manipulated. 

So be picky with your battles. 
And if you are not comfortable with breaking certain rules, stay firm when they test your limits. 
If you change your decisions depending upon your mood, it sends out a confusing message to kids. 

11. reduce the need to control
Disciplining becomes hard when you find the need to control kids. 
There is a limit to your energy as well. 
If the atmosphere is set up for failure, it gets hard to be consistent. 

For example, if you stock your pantry with junk food, it’s hard to form healthy eating habits in kids. 
Similarly, if you don’t switch off the TV, but ask kids to go away to bed, it’s hard for them to do it. 

So make their environment and routines more favorable to everyone’s liking so that you can reduce power struggles. 
Have clearly defined rules around mealtimes, bedtime, morning time, etc. 
so that they know what is to be expected.

12. separate the doer from deeds
Kids develop shame and feelings of unworthiness when we label them as “bad girl” or “mean boy”. 
Here, instead of telling them that their action is wrong, we tell them they themselves are bad humans. 

These words have immense effects that can last a lifetime. 
No human being can stay eternally good or bad. 
We all do good and bad things knowingly or unknowingly. 
When they become adults, the feelings of unworthiness haunt them and block them from expressing their full potential.
Therefore when they misbehave, we can point out their mistakes but at the same time express the scope of better behavior the next time. 
And also, talk only about the action they did, and not about them.
We can say,
“Hurting people is bad. 
I expect you to be kinder towards your brother.”
This single statement tells him that what he did was wrong. 
But he can try to improve. 
And there is no shaming like "you are a mean boy".

13. enforce consequences
When it comes to consequences, there are natural consequences and logical consequences. 
Natural consequences, as the name suggests, occur naturally. Example of natural consequence:
John forgets to do his homework every day. 
You tell him he is expected to do homework in the evening at the mutually agreed time. 
But he keeps forgetting.
Instead of nagging, you decide not to remind him one day. 
He has to face the consequences in school the next day. 

This helps him learn his lesson and be more proactive. 
In this case, the parent has to give up his/her worry so that the child learns to relate his actions with their consequences. If you resort to nagging and giving orders, the child learns to act only when he is nagged or reminded.
A logical consequence is given by a caregiver when the child breaks a rule or misbehaves. Example of logical consequence:
Sally has been told that she can’t use her phone after 9 pm. 
And she and her mother have made an agreement that if she breaks the rule, her mother can have custody of the phone. 

Here, the consequence is something both parties agreed on, and therefore it doesn’t come across as punishment. 
The child learns to pay for his misbehaviors and become more responsible. 
In both scenarios, the consequences are related to the misbehavior. 
By letting them go through the consequences, you let the experience be the teacher rather than emotions. 

Contrary to popular belief, the child doesn’t have to suffer to learn a lesson. 
He can learn it from experience, which is the best teacher. 

14. talk at your child’s level
When you discipline kids, you want to get their attention first. 
And it is hard to get if you stand tall and yell at the top of your voice.
The best way to get a child’s attention is by getting down at his level and looking in his eye. 
Since you are standing close to them, you don’t have to yell. 
The child feels safer and more connected to you. 
And therefore you get a better response. 

Yelling makes your voice heard, but your message is silenced.

15. have faith in your child
If you have two or three or even ten kids, treat each one of them as unique individuals. 
Interact with each one of them one by one daily, even it’s for five minutes. 

Because you need to know who your child is, to know his problems. 
Only when you communicate with him effectively, you get what drives his thinking. 

The discipline technique that works with one child may not work with the other. 
One may be too sensitive, and the other more strong-willed. 

To know what they think and what they want, get into their world with never-ending curiosity. 
Lead them with gentle guidance to mold them to who they want to be, rather than punishing their strong spirits because you don’t understand their dreams.

conclusion
Having put these positive discipline techniques into practice in my daily life, I can confidently say that these work far better than the conventional strict discipline methods. 
You can experience more co-operative behavior from kids and as a parent, you have the satisfaction of having a strong bond with your children.
Because ultimately what we want is to raise happy and kind kids who feel loved and appreciated in this world.
More parenting posts:
What every daughter needs from her mom
Top 12 qualities of a good parent
Top 10 joys of being a mom
13 things no one tells you about motherhood

Build A Great Relationship
All parents want to build a great relationship with their children. 
Like in any relationship, a parent-child relationship also takes effort and patience to run smoothly.
Do you want to know the secret to building a strong bond with your child?
It is connection.
You can’t expect your child to love you for life just because you are their mother or father. 
Yes, most of the time we love our parents even if they were not what we wanted to be. 

But is that enough?
Don’t we want to build close, meaningful relationships with the people we love? 
Like anything meaningful in life, building great relationships also takes work.
But it’s not hard. 
You already love your child. 
What you need is the sincere effort to pass it to them. 
It means being present for them and paying attention to them.
Now you might say, I understand, but how am I supposed to find the time for building connection when I have barely time left after cooking, cleaning, job, spouse, homework, self-care, and all the stuff I am supposed to do? 
I hear you!
The answer is, you don’t need to take a lot of time in your day to connect. 
Always aim for quality time against quantity time. 
Even if you are a stay-at-home mom and always around, it’s not enough to build connection. 

You need to engage with your child intentionally and bond with them. 

why should you build connection with your child?
Building connection is essential because we want our child to feel loved. 
We also want them to follow the rules we have set for them so that they grow up as well-adjusted kids. 
But if there is no connection and only rules, it's hard to get co-operation from them. 

Lack of connection directly impacts their behavior towards you. 
Because as parents we always need to guide them to behave well. 
And that includes scolding, criticizing, and even yelling (yes, we all don't have it together all the time). 

So, if they are getting only negative interactions from us, it is going to weaken the relationship. 
Therefore, taking time to connect must be made a priority. 

Related: 7 tips to stop being an angry mom
Here are some ways to connect with your child:
play with them
Whether parents should play with kids is often a debatable topic, as many parents do not like to play. 

I won’t say you should play with them daily. 
I don’t like to make it a chore because, to be honest, I don’t enjoy playing much. 
But sometimes they come and ask me, "Mom, will you play with me?". 
I never say NO, because I know if they ask this it’s because they need attention from me and they want me to spend time with them. 

But if I am busy, I tell them, "I am in the middle of ________ (insert what I'm doing), I shall join you as soon as I finish this". 
And I always try to keep my word even it's for a few minutes.
We like to play badminton or flying discs. 
Or sometimes it's to participate in a pretend play or building LEGOs. 
Choose a game that you both enjoy so that it doesn’t seem like a chore. 

My idea of play is something that takes only 10-20 minutes. 
Even roughhousing and tickling can be considered a fun activity to bond with your child. 

While I am writing this, I am also pretend playing with my daughter as a customer in her restaurant. 
She wants me to be her customer because her sister is too tired to play. 
She said I can sit with my laptop, that’s enough for her. 

I said yes, and the play lasted only two minutes. 

Every moment can be an opportunity to give your child the attention they need. 

listen to them
Listening to your children when they talk is a great way to connect to them. 

When they come to you to share something, listen attentively by stopping what you are doing and making eye contact. 
Try to listen fully and resist the urge to lash out on them if they made a mistake. 
Most of the time, parents react angrily and scold them and it just shuts off the probability of all the future honest revelations from them. 

You don’t want that because you want them to approach you when they face challenges in life. 
So pause and hold your reaction. 
Listen intentively because you get to know the motive behind their behavior in that particular situation. 
It helps you to see things from their innocent perspective and get to know them better. 

Listening also makes the child feel secure and close to you. 
While listening, if necessary, empathize with them. 
When you tell them, “Bailey snatched your doll, you must be feeling terrible!!”, they feel understood. 

hug and cuddle
Who doesn’t love cuddles? Adults and children love cuddles alike. 
It makes you feel special and loved. 
Not only that, it boosts your physical, mental and emotional health. 
 Studies show that hugging releases the hormone called oxytocin a.k.a love hormone. 
It promotes the feeling of love, care, and safety. 

Hugging also decreases the level of the stress hormone (cortisol). 
I have often noticed how giving a tight hug that lasts long, calms my upset daughter.
Make hugging them a habit. 
Not only hugging, small gestures like tousling their hair lovingly when they tell you what happened at school, patting their backs when they make you feel proud, or giving a long tight kiss before putting them to bed, all of them count in filling the connection tank. 

Making connections are easy. 
You only need to sprinkle these little acts of love daily from morning to night. 

have one-on-one time with each kid
If you are a mother who has to juggle between work and home, it’s tough to find some quality time in your day. 
But you always have bedtime, or the time before everyone leaves for school or work to connect. 

Whatever be the time, fix time daily to spend one-on-one time with your kids. 
For us, it’s in the evening and at night. 
I work from home. 
So if I get free time in the evening, I play with them, do coloring or make an art project. 
I also try to put kids early to bed, ten to fifteen minutes earlier, so that we get time for story-telling, share the events of the day and for some cuddling. 

My younger one reaches home earlier than the older one. 
So, I get to spend time with her alone. 
When my older one reaches home, we do some activity together so I get to spend one-on-one time with her too. 

Related: What every daughter needs from her mom
do chores together
Kids usually love to help and they take pride in the things they are able to do. 
Involving them in your chores lets you spend more time with them, teach them and therefore connect. 

Encouraging kids to do chores with you helps to foster independence and a sense of responsibility in them. 

Older kids can help in the kitchen by cutting vegetables, stirring and mixing. 
Even younger kids can do their part by putting clothes in the laundry basket, picking up their toys, etc. 

make use of driving time
Make use of commuting time from home to school and vice versa. 
You can ask them to join when you are running errands too. 

When you need to grab something from the grocery store, take your older child with you. 
You can talk to each other during the drive. 
And she can help you find things from the store. 

It’s a win-win. 
Because you are making use of the time to connect as well as teaching them some adult responsibilities. 

slow down, don't rush them
I am always guilty of rushing kids because either the time is running out or because I have a lot of tasks left to do. 

But these days, I try to slow down and savor each moment (my daily meditation habit also helps me in this). 
I believe even if I don’t have a special time to connect, taking each and every opportunity to connect is good enough. 

When you involve them in the household chores, surely they do a messy task and they are so slow that you would rather do it. 
But what I have learned from experience is that if you wish to become a better parent, cultivating patience is a must. 

When you are with your child, take a breath to let go of the need to rush and try to see each moment from your child’s eyes. 
Enjoy and savor those moments with them. 

In fact, a child can teach you how to live in the moment. 
They are not worried about the next moment and the moment that has passed. 
And therefore, they are happy and content as long as they are fed and loved. 

They always stop what they are doing to tell you a hundred things. 
Don’t shush them, and don’t rush them. 
Listen, nod and just smile if you have nothing to say. 

I don't know who said this about parenting, but it's absolutely true. 
That when it comes to parenting, "the days are long, but the years are short".
Before you know, your baby who doesn’t sleep at night starts going to school, and soon enough she will be old enough to leave the home to live on her own.
So stop and enjoy each and every moment. 
Life happens in the moment and everything else is not in your reach, not yet.
put the smartphones away
This one is so important. 
It is not connection, if you listen to your child only with one ear. 
It is not connection, if you just glance up and then hang your head back down to keep scrolling. 
You might be nodding and smiling, but to whom? To your phone?
Make connection time technology-free. 
Even if it’s momentary when your kids want to tell you something, look up, maintain eye contact and truly listen.
Let them know they are important enough for you to stop scrolling. 

tell stories
This one is my favorite. 
I love listening to the stories that my mom tells me. 
Not imaginary stories but the real stories from her childhood and youth. 

Stories about me and my siblings as kids. 
It a great way to bond with your child. 

And now I totally get where my daughter gets her slow eating from, lol. 
To make it more enjoyable, go through old photo albums (or the collection on your hard drive) and try to reminisce the moments that were frozen in time. 

take one-day trips or dine out as a family
Taking a one-day or half-day trip to a nearby beach or park is an amazing way to enjoy and connect as a family. 
Such trips give adults and kids a refreshing break from the stress of daily lives. 

Or, you can plan to have dinner from your favorite restaurant every couple of weeks. 

When you take these breaks, remember to put your phone away. 
Scrolling on Instagram when you are sitting on the beach or in the restaurant destroys the purpose of going out. 

Instead, use this time to have conversations with your loved ones. 

As I said, building connection with your child is not a hard thing to do. 
It's all about your priorities and never wasting time. 

What do you think about these connection-building activities? Do you have a favorite way of connecting with your child? Let me know in the comments below!
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Positive Parenting?
When a child is brought to the world by the miracle of birth, it rarely comes with an instruction manual. 
Giving birth is just the beginning. 
Your life takes a 180-degree turn and it will never be the same again. 
You are entrusted with the huge responsibility of raising another human being. 
But most of us are unaware that getting educated on “how to parent” is of paramount importance. 
Because the way you parent is ultimately how your child will turn out. 
Consciously or unconsciously, we raise our kids the way we were raised and it could be the right or wrong way. 
The earlier years of a child’s life is centered around its parents. 
Hence the way you parent has a direct impact on their development: socially and cognitively. 
It also determines the relationship you will have with them later in life. 
When it comes to parenting, everyone has their own style. 
Parenting styles can be classified into four, based on the discipline techniques used. 
baumrind's Styles Of Parenting 
Diana Baumrind, a researcher who focused on the classification of parenting styles, identified three initial parenting styles: Authoritative parenting, Authoritarian parenting, and Permissive parenting. 
Later Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin expanded upon Baumrind’s three parenting styles. 
They placed parenting styles into two categories: demanding and undemanding. 
And this lead to the distinction of parenting styles into four categories: 
Authoritative parenting (positive parenting) 
Permissive parenting 
Authoritarian parenting 
Neglectful parenting 
Read this article to learn more about each parenting style. 
Out of the four styles, authoritative parenting is the most recommended one if you want to raise children in a healthy way. 
Now, there are different names that come under authoritative parenting. 
They can be called peaceful parenting, positive parenting, respectful parenting, gentle parenting, etc. 
Are all these the same?  They can differ in some of the techniques used for disciplining children. 
But one can consider that all these come under the giant umbrella term called (Authoritative parenting). 
Authoritative parenting focuses on setting healthy boundaries by respecting the needs of children. 
so, What's Positive Parenting? 
Rebecca Eanes, in her book “The Newbie’s Guide to Positive Parenting” defines positive parenting as, 
Positive Parenting - sometimes referred to as positive discipline, gentle guidance, or love-based parenting - is guidance offered in a positive way, keeping in mind the dignity of the parent and child preserving the parent-child relationship. 
Positive parenting is different from permissive parenting, where parents do not set appropriate rules and limits. 
Kids do need limits so that they learn self-discipline and learn to manage their responsibilities. 
Positive parenting techniques let us set firm limits, but respectfully and showing empathy. 
Here are the key building blocks of positive parenting system: 
Connection 
Respectfulness 
Empathy 
Positive discipline 
Let's see what each one means. 
connection 
As a parent, you go through a lot of tough times. 
The times when our kids won’t sleep due to sickness or when they don’t listen to us when we say “it’s bedtime” even a hundred times or the times when your kids won’t stop fighting and complaining, you feel like your head is going to explode. 
You secretly feel like disappearing from your home and reappear in the mountains of Himalayas and stay there. 
Parenting is hard. 
There is no doubt about it. 
But what makes it still worthwhile is the emotional rewards you receive. 
No matter how angry or desperate you feel, you are the center of your kids’ world when they are young. 
And they love you unconditionally no matter how bad parent you think you are (we all have such moments). 
But to keep your relationship with them strong even when they grow enough to spread their wings and fly, you need to practice this positive parenting technique, which is (connection). 
HOW TO CONNECT WITH YOUR CHILD? 
Connection simply means spending quality time with your children doing the things that they enjoy. 
It strengthens the bond between you two and they feel loved and nurtured. 
Lack of connection is sometimes the reason behind attention-seeking behaviors. If your child is being clingy or “acts out”, it is usually the manifestation of their inner need and craving for attention. 
But our lives are so hectic and we need to tick off so many items on our list on a daily basis that we don’t have time to sit and relax with kids. I know, I know. 
 But nurturing connection is not a difficult task. 
You can do that in your spare time that you get here and there. 
If your kids are older, make them involved in your activities. 
That makes them feel important and they feel connected. 
Some activities that build connection are reading, playing, cooking, listening attentively (to their rambling), or doing anything that they would love you to do with them. 
This helps to fill their cup and they feel emotionally safe. 
respectfulness 
Positive parenting is built upon mutual respect. 
We treat our kids as individuals and understand that they deserve respect like any full grown adult does. 
Like in authoritarian parenting, we do not say, “You will listen to me because I am your mother” or “Because I said so.”. 
We acknowledge the fact that children are human beings just like us and they have the right to feel angry, sad, anxious and every other feeling that makes them human. 
We do not discount their strong desires as being stubborn and punish them for those, but try to understand why they feel so in the first place. 
Our job as a parent is to respect those feelings and respond to them in an empathetic way. 
Which brings me to the next point. 
empathy 
According to Wikipedia, empathy is defined as, 
Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another's position. 
Kids have the innate need to be heard and understood. 
Not only kids, we adults need it as well. 
In authoritarian parenting, we see that kids are not allowed to express their emotions. 
We fear that when they show anger and we acknowledge that, their emotions increase in intensity. 
Yes, it does sometimes. 
When my daughter looks sad and when I empathize with her saying, “You are upset”, she cries more intensely with a louder volume. 
My acknowledgment didn’t amplify her feelings, but when she felt understood she felt it safe to let her feeling out which was inside her anyway. 
What if, I ignore her? She may not cry more, but those feelings lie inside bottled up, weakening the connection between us and will burst out with more intensity some other day. 

So, kids, when they complain and come to you with their little problems, what they need is the safety net of an adult who perfectly understands their feelings and empathizes with them. 
When they feel they are always heard, they grow emotionally strong by developing good EQ. 
Empathy in positive parenting means listening to their feelings and trying to understand the big picture. 
They might have had a hard day, they might be facing constant frustration from a sibling or a family member. 
But kids do not know to name and express the feeling as such. 
But as a mother, you can reflect upon the “whys” of a tantrum and try to empathize with them. 
positive Discipline 
Authoritarian parenting or fear-based parenting focuses on punishment as the tool to discipline children. 
Children need to be disciplined and there should be limits, but in positive parenting, we do not use punishments, instead, we use positive discipline. 
Studies show that punishment doesn’t work. 
In fact, spanking and other kinds of punishments have a direct impact on a child’s behavior later in their life. 
And also punishment doesn’t “teach” kids a lesson, but it only induces fear in their mind regarding the source of punishment, that is you, or the other parent or any other caregiver. 
As a result, they start avoiding the source and try to do the same thing behind their back. 
And this is why everyone needs to learn positive parenting techniques or try to attend parenting workshops and classes because most people repeat the cycle of bad parenting practices upon which they were raised, unknowingly. 
Ultimately, as a parent, what you want for your kids is to raise them as good human beings who are capable of facing the world and have a good relationship with you no matter where they are in the world. 
Punishments also induce aggressive behavior in children because that’s what they see and experience. If you resort to spanking when you are angry, what kids learn is the use of violence. 
They learn to use violence as the tool to get what they want because that’s what their parents do. 
We resort to punishments to discipline young kids because it gives faster results. 
We are able to “shut the kid up” by yelling, threatening or spanking than if we were to deal with them using positive discipline. 
Positive discipline and positive parenting, unlike traditional parenting, require a lot of work and patience. 
But the reason many parents prefer positive parenting is, the rewards are much higher and last long term. 
 Positive discipline focuses on teaching good behaviors and confronts mistakes with gentle discipline and kindness. 
Unlike the children who are punished for their mistakes, children who are brought up by positive parenting feel more connected to their parents. 
And as a reason, they behave better, because they don’t want to displease their parents. 
Positive discipline concepts include: 
Effective communication that leads to the identification of the cause of the behavior and solving them, rather than trying to change the behavior blindly 
Setting clear rules and regulations and keeping your word if those are not followed 
Being kind but establish firmness in your response to the misbehavior 
Instead of punishment, trying to communicate with children and bring up solutions that work for everyone 
Seeing yourself in the same team as your kids and not as enemies, which shifts your focus from punishment to guiding and teaching 
Now the next question comes,  
how To Get Started With Positive Parenting? 
the Change Starts With you. 
 No matter what your kids’ ages are, you can start applying positive parenting strategies with them. 
Take a resolution to become a calm parent from today onwards, so that you can raise happy and calm kids. 
Our brains have been wired by the experiences of being raised by parents who didn’t probably follow the authoritative parenting method. 
But don't worry, now you have an idea about what's right and what's wrong when it comes to parenting techniques. 
Changing your ways may not be easy. 
But thankfully, there are studies that show that the brain’s wiring is something we can override with lots of practice. 

how To Implement Positive Parenting? 
in Order To become better parents, we need to focus on meeting our child’s needs rather than “fixing” them all the time. 
Children don’t need to be fixed, we need to fix our expectations of them. What they need is gentle guidance. 
The first step in understanding your child’s needs is understanding how their brain works. 

Understand your child’s brain development 
  We often dismiss a child’s tantrum as stubbornness whereas, in reality, they’re only acting from their brain’s capacity to withhold emotions. 
Research suggests that most human brains take about 25 years to develop, though it can vary among individuals. 
The brains of adults and kids (teens included) work differently. 
Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, which is the rational part of the brain. 
The prefrontal cortex is responsible for decision making, planning, and judgment. 
It doesn’t develop fully until a person reaches his mid-twenties. 
This explains why toddlers burst out when they have intense emotions. 
Their brains are simply not capable of thinking with logic and reason, no matter how many times you say the same thing to them. 
They don’t yet have the ability to verbalize their feelings. 
So their brains deal with the intense emotions by throwing tantrums. 
As a parent, our duty is to understand this and offer them the emotional support they need when they feel these intense emotions. 

Change yourself and your mindset 
You don’t have to change your personality once you become a parent. 
But if you want to implement positive parenting strategies, you need to be able to model the behavior you want to see in your kids. As adults, we have days of intense emotions and frustrations too. 
We too sometimes struggle to manage our responsibilities. 
I have always felt that becoming a parent can make you a better person. 
Because if you want to become a good parent, you try to behave as good as you can. 
The little eyes are always watching you and it's upon you to lead them with intention. 
You cannot teach your child self-discipline and self-control if you can’t control your anger and throw things at others when you are angry. 
Learn to discipline yourself so that you can show your kids how to behave. 
Identify what triggers you and work on solving them by creating better strategies to handle your emotions. 
Your kids will learn that from you. 
Remember that no one is perfect, neither you nor your kids. 
We are all in this parenting journey working things out, one day at a time. 
More reading: Top 10 joys of being a mother